When someone dies, grief can arrive with a second weight: a list of practical jobs you have never had to do before. There are people to call, decisions to make and papers to find, often while you are tired and struggling to take things in.
It can feel as though every task needs doing immediately. Knowing which things need attention first can give you a little breathing room.
Start with the circumstances of the death. If a death at home is unexpected, call 000. After an expected death at home, contact the person’s doctor or palliative care team and follow the arrangements made with them. If someone dies in hospital, a hospice or an aged care home, staff can guide you through the next steps.
Let the people closest to them know, and ask someone you trust to help with calls if that feels easier. If there are children, pets or anyone else depending on the person who died, make sure their immediate needs are covered.
Then find any funeral wishes, prepaid arrangements or details of who can help. You can begin arranging care for the person who died and asking questions about the farewell without having every answer. Keep notes, ask for written information and take someone with you when you can.
Some decisions need attention sooner than others, but choosing every song, photograph or detail of the ceremony can happen in stages. Ask the people helping with arrangements which decisions they need now and which can wait.
The wider paperwork can also be broken into smaller jobs. Put documents, contact details and notes from calls in one place. If someone is helping manage the estate, check with them before cancelling accounts or services. Keep a list of organisations to notify and ask each what documents and timing they require.
You can leave sorting cupboards, giving away belongings and writing thank-you messages until you feel ready. A family member’s urgency may be different from yours. It is reasonable to say, “I can’t make that decision today.”
Friends and neighbours can help by walking the dog, bringing dinner or driving someone to an appointment. Offer something manageable and ask before making decisions on the family’s behalf.
If you are planning ahead, one small thing you can do now is tell a trusted person where your wishes and important papers are kept. That can spare them a search later.
Through all of this, leave room for food, rest and company. Practical help is valuable when it makes space for people to be together.
Catherine Palermo is the founder of Remember Well•, an Australian website with free guides for planning ahead and the practical steps after a death.
Main photo supplied by author.
